Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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