I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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