Do you still have your period?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
