I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
