Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
you told grandpa to call you daddy
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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