One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
they're like a gay fantastic four
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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