I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
