i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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