11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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