Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
