Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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