Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
