can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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