Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
