That's intense
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
