shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
