I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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