I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
