I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
