So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
