A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
