I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
