meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
