I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
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I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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