I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
