He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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