Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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