just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
