Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
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