someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
