i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
