I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
