Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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