I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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