youre lurking in front of me
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
