If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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