I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
foreskin is a definite game changer
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
