Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
