I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
