this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
