It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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