the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
