He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
