does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
