You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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