i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
