He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
