The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
