We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
