Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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