is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
me + whiskey = a bad person
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
