I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
did i just pee glitter
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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