Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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