I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
