I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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