I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
