i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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