Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
